Spam Land

i think its time for the talk....

...there comes a time in every mans life...

700th post in this thread! [/THREAD]

 

this is my homeland

 

eww man talk xD

 

"With great power comes great responsibility...
to be awesome."

 

@Bloodhawk I noticed, but I thought someone else will get you for that

"With great power comes great opportunity to abuse it"
-Sarda

 

http://lfgcomic.com/page/latest neW

 

lewl

 

@

 

Sozan, a Chinese Zen master, was asked by a student: "What is the most valuable thing in the world?"
The master replied: "The head of a dead cat."
"Why is the head of a dead cat the most valuable thing in the world?" inquired the student.
Sozan replied: "Because no one can name its price."

 

There are 3 stargates found on Earth. Or previously found on Earth. Whatever. The first, was the one left here by the Ancients, and was left in some random mountain in Antarctica. The Ancients abandoned it because it no longer worked. But in actuallity, it just had dead batteries but the ancients were too smart and never thought of that. Eventually the U.S. Air force found it and stole it, and secretly used it many times. This one was eventually blown up by some stupid alien thing, because he "didn't like the way it looked at him." The second one was left here by Ra, the god of the sun, because he accidentally forgot it and was later killed by MacGyver*. The third stargate was the wife to Gizro the great and mother of Buce Bomb, in 2005/6, she was abducted by the military because the other stargate wasn't satisfying them.

* Curt Russel played this part rather crapily, he didn't once use a paperclip in the whole movie.

 

The DHD
The stargate can be dialed by this funny round thing on a stone pedastal, which is actually metal and not stone. It has 38 buttons despite the fact that the gate has 39 symbols, probably because the guy who built it was on crack. This means it's impossible to dial P3X-797, because it has a 39 symbol address. Not that you would want to go there. The DHD also has a battery in it. Sometimes it dies and you have to change it. The battery is a 27.2V type CCM6 naquadah-oxide and is only available from Ancients Direct. Anyway the DHD is highly unreliable and often doesn't work. It can be repaired by pushing a reset button but usually the button is missing. It sounds easy but good luck finding a replacement- it's only available from Ancients Direct and their fastest shipping takes a year and costs $1000000000000000000000000000xWeight in grams.

And earth lacks a DHD so they use a stupid spinny thing with two big clamps. Several people have been crushed by the clamps but in 10-something years they STILL haven't built a proper DHD. Probably because the only person who can build it is Carter and she's too lazy.

Atlantis has a really weird DHD. Even though Pegasus Galaxy gates don't have rotating inner rings, it uses two big clamps. They turn the entire gate to dial.

Stargates in space are powered by car batteries and dialed by shooting at the desired symbols with drone weapons. Or something like that.

No one really understand why it's called the Dial-Home-Device, because the big rounded button does NOT dial home (ET figured this out in season 3).

 

Top 15 reasons why Colonel Jack O'Neill is better than Picard
15. Jack kissed Sam, learned to juggle, and had tricycle rides during several solar system wide time loops, because he was bored. Picard wouldn't dare...
14. Jack will never give his trust to a Goaould, while Picard would give a chance to every very ugly and evil parasitic lifeform - even spaceship shell eating viruses!
13. Jack has not been reduced to reading stupid poetry on cholesterol ads with his fancy accent.
12. Jack O'Neill has a sense of humor.
11. Jack Acknowledges all the Sci-Fi shows and movies his show is based on, Picard wants us to think he is totally original.
10. Ten seasons. Suck on THAT, Picard!
9. In Jacks show his opening title sequence has a theme song showing a lot of action, it doesn't waste time telling what his seven year mission is.
8. When Picard goes some where he meets people who say they're aliens. In O'neills show the people don't even try to pretend they're aliens.
7. Picard only goes to new worlds, civilizations and junk like that, Jack goes to planets to stop Ancient Egyptian Gods from destroying Earth.
6. O'Neill has no Prime directive in his way that keeps him from kicking ass.
5. On O'Neill's first episode, he went to another planet to battle Egyptian Gods, on Picard's first episode he got in an argument with some guy named Q.
4. Jack O'Neil can travel from planet to planet in a matter of seconds, Picard takes days, if not weeks.
3. Jack O'Neill's show is based on an awesome movie, Picard's show is based on a cheesy 60's show that got horrible ratings.
2. Jack O'Neil has an actual gun, not something that looks like it was manufactured by preskool toys and has a politically correct "safety scissors" setting by default.
1. Jack O'Neil uses the Blue screen of death to travel galaxies away, while Picard has a totally dysfunctionnal relationship to every space-time anomaly of the month he ever meets (aka Blue screen of death making every life support system fail at once).

 

Evolution of Dr.Daniel Jackson
The character (also known under the name "Liam Heiderich") was originally played by James Spader. However, the scientist that actually figured out the Stargate in real life, Dr. Michael Shanks, grew jealous of the far superior Spader's glory and fame.

Thus on the night of September 12th 1996 (during filming of season 1 of "Stargate Versus McGyver : Vendetta") Shanks killed Spader with 18 bullets to the ankle, a swift blow to the knee and a Tickle Me Emo doll. Spader's last words were "I eat babies, it establishes me as evil enough for plot holes that allow me back into the story at least once a season through providing immortality, nyahahaha!".

Shanks then grafted Spaders face onto his own, and got the part playing "Dr. Daniel Jackson" in General Hospital, Stargate and According to Jim.

One time, SG-1 returned home to find everyone at the SGC dead. O'Neill then said: "Oh well, Daniel's died enough ****ing times for all of us. Who wants ice cream?"

A Daniel-centered spin-off series was proposed, in which Daniel set out to burn the Wookie Fur Factory, accidentally setting off an angry Chewbacca bent on vengeance against chess players who win against wookies. The series was cancelled due to Daniel's prior commitments to "Atlantis, The Lost cliché; we ran out of ideas today", as he chose to spend more time with his lover, Deanna Troi.

The false God Anubis had this to say:

"Jaffa I can't believe it's not butter! kree!"

"I should have read that evil overlord list more carefully! Now when i have an itch I have no body to scratch!"

 

This article about an Ori related subject is blasphemous. You can serve The Ori on their crusade to spread the way of Origin across the Galaxy by dousing the Unbelievers in oil and setting them alight. Only then will the living be purged and ready to tread the path to eternal Enlightenment.

Hallowed are The Ori.

“What do they call those star fighter things in that show? Whatever they are, Ive shot down 5 of them!!”


~ Wedge Antilles on Star fighter in Star gate.

The Stargate team is renowned for starting the 1970's fashion and culture revolution back in their second season, by way of a needlessly complex time travel episode. Some speculate they wanted to re-live their memories of WoodstockFor those with comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have a satirical (but entirely fictional) article about Star Gate.
Stargate (also referred to as "MacGyver In Space" or sometimes, incorrectly, "Stargate SG-1"), the scientific video-journal, is the highest rated television show in the entire Universe, thanks to its careful scheduling and groundbreaking scientific discoveries. These discoveries include imaginary materials, and concrete ideas about abstract things, such as "energy", "happiness", and "The US Military". The programme started with its initial team in the year 1996 on the now defunct Snowrhyme Network.

The show takes its name from the device discovered and used in the Movie first episode, the Stargate, which enables the team to communicate live with scientific authorities and colleagues throughout the Universe. The team's involvement with inter-planatery relations was initially a strong reason for large ratings, but during the show's later seasons it had, in some people's opinions, deteriorated into an inter-planetary soap opera. This had no effect on the ratings at all, thanks to women in their thirties.

Stargate ran 10 seasons, with its most popular seasons being the 1st and 9th seasons, and the special bonus season - Season Helicopter, which naturally comes between the 4th and 7th seasons. Up until now, the show has not won any Emmys or Grammys, or anything else. This is due to the show's participants being made entirely out of plutonium. This has unsettled the advisory boards.

 

Current Physicists
Lieutenant Kernel Cameron Mitchell, a marine biologist who one day wandered into the military base. He enjoys showcasing his wide array of knowledge and wisdom, and often recites the ancient proverb "bullets bounce," much to the admiration and jealousy of the rest of the team. He was deemed too useful to allow to leave, and was thus forced into joining SG-1. Trained in the ninja arts of Origami, Mitchell must defend himself against the anger and emotional fragility of the others, all the while longing to return to his home under the sea.
Is known as Ben Browder on Thursdays.
Lieutenant Kernel Samantha Carter, a blonde-haired anomaly in the demographic, who owns a pet accordion named Jeffrey. Aside from her supposed super-smartness, she is also known for her many boyfriends, all of whom mysteriously end up dead. Always ends up married to Jack O'Neill in parallel universes where everything is backwards and Kawalsky is alive.
Is also known as Amanda Tapping to her current boyfriend, who has never watched the show.
Dr. D.J. Jackson, quite possibly the most suspiciously intelligent person on the planet. DJs on Wednesdays and Fridays, and wears thick glasses to control his laser eyes, although their secret true purpose is to correct his vision. First person from planet Earth to experience Ascension. Twice. He recommends it.
Also known as Michael Shanks, having changed it from Michael Jackson at age eight.
Teal'c (Pronounced 'Teal-Cuh'), is a "Jaffa-Cake" tribe member resembling Lawrence Fishburne, with muscles the size of small moons. Can crush people with his eyebrows, and is a widely regarded stand-up comedian. His favorite word is rumored to be "Indeed" but because he rarely talks this remains unconfirmed. Has been recorded saying "Indeed" 27,896 times in the show's history.
Is known as Christopher Judge, having changed it from Judge Christopher at age 18.
General Hank Laundry, quite possibly the cleanest and whitest General in Vancouver, thanks to his routine habit of washing with bleach. Owns one (1) daughter and thus has +50 more HP than that of O'Neill and Hammond.
Often trolls message boards under the username Beau Bridges in his free time.
Vala Mal Doran, replaced Jack O'Neill as Dorothy. Gave birth to the Orici, who is passing through her rebellous stage by trying to take over the galaxy. Vala's less than pleased. In her spare time, Vala enjoys shopping at Victoria's Secret (no kidding), impersonating a false god named Qetesh, impersonating Daniel Jackson's wife, and playing with her own pigtails.
She also impersonates Claudia Black.
Control Room Kid, the essential human replacement for a computer voice which repeats four different phrases. He is believed to be the son of Radar on M*A*S*H. Moonlights as an altruistic Taxicab driver in Philadelphia .
Sources are unclear, although the most common belief is that his name is Walter Harriman.

 

Kernel Jack O'Neill, an embodiment of a BSD kernel. Died after a lengthy battle with Vancouveritis. Occasionally returns as a zombie for special guest appearances. Has been testing Loreal's "Hair Greying" product for several years, to much success. He considers himself worth it. Dismantled a Death Glider and mailed it home piece-by-piece. Used to repeatedly fantasize about being married to Samantha Carter, but when more and more of her boyfriends ended up dead, he cut his losses started dating Carrie.
Also known as Andrew Dean Richardson AKA MacGyver. (1997-2005)
General George Hammond, the eccentric owner of the Cheyene Mountain and inventor of Hammond's Organ (snort...), where he built up the Stargate program with royalties earned from the promotion of Don West Salmon. He was previously the overseer of the failed Jurassic Park project. Left due to a promotion to the Right Hand of God.
The alias of Richard Attenborough. (1997-2004)
Jonas Quinn, the very booksmart murderer of Dr Jackson. No charges were filed after Dr Jackson ascended, rather than dying, leaving authorities with no proper legal basis to pursue the case. Left the show due to anorexia.
But he prefers it when people call him Corin Nemec. (2001-2002)
Dr. Thor, an Asgard who would not look out of place at the bottom of one of our oceans. Hyper-intelligent. Also, hyper-skinny and hyper-allergic to pants. Dr. Thor has been quoted as saying "Look at my IQ! It's over six-hundred! Do I win a prize for that or something?"
Also known as Bruce Lee. (1998-2005)
Dr. Elizabeth Weir, temporarily led the SGC. Lasted only two-point-six-one weeks because Samantha Carter wasn't pleased about having competition on the base. The trauma caused her to have extreme plastic surgery including liposuction and a nose job. She also mysteriously changed from blonde to brunette. Moved to Antarctica with her new boyfriend, John Sheppard. Has since moved with John to the lost city of Atlantis, and still made the occasional trip back to the SGC before becoming a Replicator.
Played by Canadian Communist Cylon Torri Higginson. (?-?)

 

That is so tempting to delete... Especially seeing as it's probably copied from somewhere and no-one will read them... At least, I hope it's copied from somewhere and I hope no-one will read them.

 

But you can't delete it unless it violates some rules and you'd have to read it to find out

 

Cancellation
In 2006, the Sci-Fi Channel cancelled the long running series. This has prompted several different kinds of reactions amongst fans, which range from indifference to suicide. The cast, however, remains unaffected by this, as their contracts will force them to make new episodes until they die; the episodes just won’t be aired anymore. Upon hearing the news of the cancellation, the Asgard, the oldest, most revered race in the entire galaxy, immediately committed mass suicide. This, unfortunately, took place just minutes before the Star Gate movies were announced.

 

The Physics
Stargate's exceptional breakthroughs in science (most notably astrophysics) have caused universal peace. These include, and will be covered in greater detail later: Subspace, Zero Point Modules, Ascension, Energy Crystals, and Deforestation. Key amongst the protagonists is Samantha Carter, whose brilliant brain and subjectively praised looks has yielded the greatest understanding of these new ideas and technologies - technologies created using these new ideas, which she understands. Following is a list of the technologies now being introduced into the corporate sector following their discoveries.