This is my WARCRAFT entry for the Blizzard Creative Writing Contest, also my very first fanfic I ever created. I know that my choses of words isn't actaly the best, but I'll work on that. This was going to originally be a starcraft fic but become a WC tale. If you want to read some WC fanfic, head over to Scrolls of Lore they got plenty fics to last you awhile. Constructive criticism please. PART 1: Deep within the ancient earth, far form the light of day; there lies the ruins of Azjol-Nerub, the Spider Kingdom of the Nerubians. City of the once glorious Nerubians, one of the last two surviving known cities of the Aqir in Azeroth, home of ancients, geniuses, dead, evil. There among the ruins the undead Forsaken, the Society, working ceaseless day and night researching with the few living and undead Nerubian of the forgotten history, science, of the Nerubians, most how ever left to join the rest of their kin in the Sundered Monolith said to be deep within the ruins to speak of the new hope for the resistance struggling and their unnamed emperor. There were rumors that a funeral for the fallen crypt lord Anub’arak was to be held this day. The grandmaster of the Society, Galvarium K. Greymoore the lll was observing the work of the Society throughout the kingdom, watching from a ledge in the Halls of Conquered Kings the death knights of the Ironscythes, Horde members of the Ebon Blade that had left the order to rejoin their living Horde brethren. Doing their daily patrol and duties watching over the Horde researchers from dangers of this shattered kingdom. Seeing a zone quarantined from the rest, filled of dead bodies of the undead Scourge, Nerubians, and that of large misshaped monsters of evil the Faceless been lied down for examination further studies on their strange physiology and biology by the Royal Apothecary Society and far below him the Shimmering Bog’s mushrooms and the few Fungal monsters to determined if they contained anything of use by apothecaries. Priests of the Forgotten Shadows have come from Undercity to determined of the Twilight’s Hammer unholy actives to the east of him. Galvarium seeing that he seen enough left the ledge and search for his assistance Keltarsoth whom was working on one of the walls of the Conquered Kings. Taking his time in looking for Keltarsoth, Galvarium watch with pride of the grand works his organization. Off to the distance Galvarium saw Nestor raiding off on his steed consumed by the web shadows as he road off to deliver a message to the Dark Lady. Suddenly Galvarium bumped into another forsaken and fell to the ground. Growling angrily as he got up, before he could shout at the forsaken a weak nervous voice came. “I’m so sorry grandmaster, I’m truly am for bumping into again.” Galvarium realizing it was Keltarsoth, he should had known better it was he, the last four times he bumped into someone kept being his assistance and was staring to annoy him greatly. “Yes I know its you Keltarsoth and you better watch where you’re going or one of these days you’re going to accidentally bump into me, pushing me over into the cavern floor below.” Galvarium shout back. “Yes sir!” “I was going to find to learn if you and your team have found anything and isn’t there any progress on deciphering the Nerubian hieroglyphs?” demanded Grandmaster Galvarium at his personal assistance. “Regrettable we haven’t made much process sense we begun on the eastern wall the Hall of the Conquered Kings.” Quickly replied Keltarsoth. “You bag of bones move it before I send you to the Royal Apothecary for their plague experiments! You scan me mmh?” shouted Galvarium. “Yesss… oof… of course my lord.” Said Keltarsoth as he turned hurrying toward back to the wall. “Why do I even have that forsaken?” Galvarium muttered to himself. Turing his back Galvarium walked though the tunnels of Ahn’kahet; Galvarium continued his observations of the efforts of his Society. As Galvarium reached to his right there the living nerubians lead by Kilix the Unraveler with his two Azjol-anak bodyguards among several other Nerubians following behind, there were Spiderslords, Queens, Viziers, heavily armed warriors and other species of the nerubians. Kilix and his two bodyguards were guiding a sarcophagus made of finely smelted cut adamantite with diamond panels, ancient glowing nerubians runes and jewels marks the sarcophagus, within the sarcophagus a gigantic grotesque mummified corpse that held the aspects of the beetles and that of a spider with priceless treasures surrounding the body, Galvarium released it was the dead body of Anub’arak, once thought to be one of the Nerubians greatest traitors learned from the heroes that slain the king, in Anub’arak’s final words before death claimed him, spoke “Never thought… I would be free of him…” those word had prove that Anub’arak was a unwilling slave forced to do the Lich King’s biding. Hearing that Kilix the Unraveler before him was to bring the body of their old king to the to the burial grounds of the ancient lords of Azjol-Nerub that were said to lie far beyond the Fallen Temple. The Nerubians weren’t allowing any mortal race to join them in this scared journey, expected to the heroes at had freed Anub’arak of his eternal undead torment held the honor participating. Bowing his head toward the dead body of Anub’arak in respect for the ancient lord of the Spider Kingdom. Turing his bowing head staining to see farther down the nerubians, there the heroes that freed the king and more nerubian guards were too leading a few more sarcophaguses. Waiting patiently for them to pass, there heroes were made of orcs, forsaken, blood elves, and a few trolls and tauren who were five more sarcophaguses. One that was another cryptlord who had to be Anub’arak old commander, Anub’Rekhan, Galvarium herd that the nerubians had painstaking to recover the bodies in Naxxramas, the next two were viziers the ones that guarded parts of Azjol-Nerub in the name of the Lich King, Elder Nadox, the nerubians ancient High Vizier of Anub’arak and keeper of lore and one that had guard the gates to the upper kingdom. The last two were two giant spiders that the Grandmaster had no knowledge of. Watching them go fading into the web shadows of the Fallen Temple till Galvarium could see no more, he continued his walk.
I like the idea of the story. Its a burial sequence, but not just a regular burial. It is the burial of a King. That doesn't happen often. The concept is nice and for being a game that usually involves fighting creatures we don't see this part of the process which makes it totally open to you, the writer. What I can say about this from an editor's perspective is that it needs some major revisions, not for content, but for the mass of an information dump that it is. What it needs is a clearer outlined conflict. It is very hard to seed out in the first paragraph what the story is about. However once past there I see a few points where the story blends and loses focus. I believe that if you revised it to focus on whats needed in it to be your story it would be much clearer. Not to say its bad. For an info dump it works. As a story you lack some of the pivotal parts. For a more in depth search in the story I can say a few things in general: 1. Some of the sentences need to be broken up. They are not run on sentences, but neither are they very clear. Break some of the ones with multiple details down and see how they sound. 2. I recommend that you read your story out loud and see how it sounds. Does it flow off the tongue? If not I think you should revise parts of it. 3. I recommend you remove some of the adjectives. Most things are perfectly fine as they are. They don't need to be drilled into the head of the reader with every description of them. 4. Read, read, and then read some more. You will pick up a lot of the conventions of a story if you do it. It will help to define where giving details like you do is okay and when its not. You don't want to blend the readers mind into a smoothie with information. You just want to sate it with the fresh smell of imagination and then let them run wild.
