My second non school-interfering story,my first story posted in this forum!

Discussion in 'The Arts' started by karlo, Sep 6, 2008.

My second non school-interfering story,my first story posted in this forum!

Discussion in 'The Arts' started by karlo, Sep 6, 2008.

  1. karlo

    karlo New Member

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    heres my story,NOTE: please remember that this is just a summary of what the story really is...
    and also this is only the starting chapter,so do not say that it is missing something whatsoever...
    just post complements and how you think about it and suggestions etc etc whatsoever.


    long ago in the year 1957AD,the great war started,the great war was started due to civll war and sudden evil consumed the leaders of the empires and goverments,your first ansetors were born on 1604AD.
    they were part of the terran union society[TUS] TUS was a rich and large union that showed amazing development no other could achive,TUS was not included in the war till 1965,when there entire union fell to the hands of the Gustav Empire,one of the most fierce empires of the time,in 1 week they took over TUS,they enslaved everyone in TUS and your ancestors,your ancestors were treated very badly,forced to give birth and to leave their childeren,they enslaved,expiremented,and even killed your ancestros and every other slave...then you were born on 3675AD,your father is all you have left,Gustav empire still holds you as slaves...then something happens that will alter your life forever..........

    on 3695AD,millions of the slaves were sent to exile for no reason,including your father,you were forced to see his death,his and others deaths punishment is EVil,it was to much to what they deserve....
    you were forced to flee to the forests of Detia...crying and in revenging mood you were in,then you saw hundreds of other people,you new that they suffered desame fate as you did,you decided its time to take Revenge,you asembled them,and created the organization that would throw the Gustav Empire into many years of war,the organization you created rebeled against the Gustav Empire from within and did aggresive damage,but in the 3699AD yuor organization collapsed,and its all to blame not the Gustave Empire but a member in the organization which had the power to influence the other members and to start rebeling on there other members,his name was Vanre Oscavar...you new he was a betrayer after that.,now your forced to fight alone,and you seek plans to reorganize your organization and to kill the gustav empire and Vanre Oscavar to avenge your father and all the other people involved.



    I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT!
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2008
  2. Rex

    Rex New Member

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    "just post complements "

    Not much to discuss. Space junk?

    I'm not sure where it fits. Did you copy this from somewhere? If you did put the source if its from a site.
     
  3. EatMeReturns

    EatMeReturns Happy Mapper Moderator

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    This is his story.

    Karlo, as I have mentioned before in other examples of your work, I really think you have a strong creative flow. It just gets a little discombobulated when it reaches your fingertips, and results in hard-to-understand jumbled sentences with poor grammar.

    I think that your stories, especially this one (which I was quite interested in!) would improve greatly if you took the time to straighten out what you write. Make it a point to make sure NOTHING has the little green "bad grammar" line under it in Microsoft Word, or if you do not use Microsoft Word, have somebody you know do a grammar check before you post.

    I find bad grammar a disservice to the reader, and a real distraction from the true value of the piece.
     
  4. karlo

    karlo New Member

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    well i did say it was a BAD SUMMARY!
    plus actually,im auditioning the story for a new game called 3700AD[browser based non-flash]
    how could you say bad grammar?


    so your saying the story is nice BUT some things [like placing sentences in the wrong position that i did in purpose but not to make it better]make it mis understood[I GET THAT ALLOT]but 100% says the story is wonderful...
    what i want to know if the story[asides from placing of the sentences in the wrong position]is good,bad,great,awful, etc. etc. whatsoever...
     
  5. EatMeReturns

    EatMeReturns Happy Mapper Moderator

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    The story is good. And aside from your sentence misplacement, which if its on purpose is ok, I am irked by:
    Excessive commas (,)
    No spaces ( ) after commas (,)
    No capitalization at the beginning of sentences
    No spaces ( ) after ellipses (...)

    If all you want rated is the creative content of the story, I would give it an 8/10.
     
  6. ItzaHexGor

    ItzaHexGor Active Member

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    I can see what you're saying, but whether a story is good or not depends on grammar and sentence structure, etc. It contributes a heck of a lot. You could have the most wonderful plot in the world, but if you skimp on the grammar, it won't be very engaging. I agree with everything EMR said, he knows what he's talking about.
     
  7. EatMeReturns

    EatMeReturns Happy Mapper Moderator

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    I would give it a 5/10 if I was counting grammar, by the way.

    You have great potential, but lack discipline.

    *flashes his official Grammar Nazi badge at everyone in the vicinity*
     
  8. karlo

    karlo New Member

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    well its my second story...
    you should execpect that the 1-5 first stories would be a bit bad...
    but after that it may lead to perfection...
    and the fact its only my second and i have already recived complements from my first and second stories...
    i have LARGE hopes for the stories i make and will make...
    also,please post suggestions for the story so that i can improve it,also you may post requests for stories about whatever you want etc. etc....
    THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUGGESTIONS,COMMPLEMENTS AND REQUESTS!:)


    aw you had to say discipline,well anything like that also dis courages me in almost anything...
    what do you mean by discapline...
    P.S SORRY I WASENT THAT SURE IF THERE SHOULD BE SPACES AFTER camas,elipses etc...
    BESIDES IM ONLY 12 right now... i still have allot to go for...
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2008
  9. EatMeReturns

    EatMeReturns Happy Mapper Moderator

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    A) we never said it was bad. We said the grammar was poor.
    B) perfection in writing is impossible. once the writer realizes this, the writer's quality of writing is greatly improved.
    C) writing experience improves mostly with school.
    D) I would only suggest that you keep that creativity flowing! Don't let other people write your story for you. Make it all yours, and your personality will come out through the words!
    E) as for your age, don't think of it as a hinderance: Creativity is highest in preteens and teens. Some of the best books have been written by young adults, such as Eragon.
    F) GOGOGO! Personally, I find I write best at night. ;D
     
  10. karlo

    karlo New Member

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    lol...
    ok..
    and thank you all for your support!
    NOTE:actually,i only realized my talent of creating stories when i heard that many liked the story...
     
  11. Babmer

    Babmer Guest

    Sorry but its lacking dragons and/or dragon related events.
     
  12. Rex

    Rex New Member

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    Just read it over a few times to understand some stuff. Sorry it was a bit confusing but your grammar has improved quite a bit.

    Keep it up.
     
  13. ShdwyTemplar

    ShdwyTemplar New Member

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    Well, where I live I am known as the Apocalypse when It comes to stories. Mostly because I sap the will out of the writer to write them (There fault for not backing their own story, not mine). Now, when it comes to stories there is a prime difference between a story and explaining the plot of one. With this introduction you have asserted what your story is and in a way made it so there is no point for the reader to continue reading. The hard part about this is the fact unless this story is set after the occurrence of these events this chapter is not even that but the plot of the book represented in the narrator voice, but from the character. (Moby **** does a similar job of this.)

    What I recommend doing is taking this story and dividing it up. I say this because all that you describe could essentially fit into a 15 or 20 book series. If you want to have the appropriate depth to make the story living and breathing then you also need to establish more than what you just wrote.

    A story itself consist of many things. You have established in this bit the Where, When, What, Why, and very marginally the who. The basics are down, but they are far too rough. I won't berate you anymore Karlo. This is enough for one post. I would say get to writing with the actual character in the chapter or something.
     
  14. karlo

    karlo New Member

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    well actually,the story was actually being audition for the new game 3700AD[still in progress], so that means the character is whoever plays the game...
    so thats why i havent established an actual character...
     
  15. EatMeReturns

    EatMeReturns Happy Mapper Moderator

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    I guess that makes sense. Also, seeing how game case designers are grammar nazis, I'm going to assume they would for sure accept yours if it had perfect grammar AND your already amazing content. :D
     
  16. karlo

    karlo New Member

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    ok thank you for all your comments!
    CMON PEOPLE KEEP ON POSTING!