Constructive feedback only, please. I'd like to know what others think of this exchange. Would you make any changes, and if so, why and what? __________________________________________________________ MENGSK: "Pasteur, finally! Listen, I need two things from you, old friend --another bottle of wine... PASTEUR: "Red?" MENGSK: "Red, white -- it all tastes the same after your third bottle." PASTEUR: [stares at the bottles set in front of Mengsk] "Yes, so I see. You were going to mention something else... Something to eat? You're making me feel like a waiter, you know." MENGSK: "A very ambassadorial waiter. So, a bottle of wine..." PASTEUR: "Of course." MENGSK: "...and a nuke." (strained silence) MENGSK: "...or is that not on the Protectorate's menu?" PASTEUR: [clears his throat] “Arcturus, you are angry –and with reason. But think! Think how many more innocents will die if I arm you with nuclear weapons.” MENGSK: “This crusade is against The Confederacy itself, not those enslaved by it. I have no intention of targeting civilians.” PASTEUR: “I never doubted you. But your situation is more precarious than you realise. I don’t know how, but The Confederacy knows you have survived and that you are here. They have formally requested that The Protectorate surrender you to their custody. Needless to say, I have already disavowed any knowledge of your whereabouts.” MENGSK: “So, you will not feed me to the lion, but you will not help me. In short, you are doing nothing. Pasteur, I never pictured you as the one who’d drop something just because it’s hot.” PASTEUR: “Arcturus, I am doing everything that I can. You know how jealously we guard the right to citizenship? We have offered Umojan citizenship and employment to all Korhalian survivors. But for obvious political implications, The Protectorate can no longer provide you with any material support. At least until this incident is well behind us.” MENGSK: “And when exactly will the deaths of millions of innocents be "well behind us"? A century from now, once this holocaust is merely a grizzly historical anecdote taught in classrooms?" PASTEUR: “Arcturus, I’m sorry..." MENGSK: "Sorry? Your excuses are what's sorry." PASTEUR: "They’ve promised to attack any organisation found harbouring or abetting you. We’re checkmated. I’m already taking a chance allowing you to stay in Protectorate space. Not that I’d expel you, of course. We don’t tolerate Confederate operatives within our borders, so they’ll likely never be able to locate you. But all the same, you should keep a low profile. You’ll be safe here… Tell me, have you thought of your son that we’ve kept here in hiding his whole short life? He needs a father, not a cenotaph erected to a dead patriot.” MENGSK: “That’s what you recommend? That I hide, and let this injustice stand?” PASTEUR: “There is a time for all things. And now is not the time to exact justice.” MENGSK: “You’re spineless, Pasteur. You say they would attack you? No. No! It’s bluff. It’s bluff! You know it is. They’d never dare go to war with The Protectorate! They’d never--” PASTEUR: [interrupting] “Arcturus! Are you quite done abusing exclamation marks? I tire of this misdirected anger of yours. You speak of bluff? Need I remind you that the Confederates have just destroyed your planet, their crown jewel!" MENGSK: "Thanks for that, Captain Obvi—" PASTEUR: [interrupting] I haven’t finished! Right now, The Confederacy is like some mad beast that has gnawed off its limb in order to extricate itself from the hunter’s trap. Reports have been trickling in: demonstrations were held on over half a dozen worlds to commemorate the victims of Korhal. Mobs… have a lot of heart and many heads, but no brains; the protests turned into riots, and the subsequent crackdown turned the riots into bloodbaths. But more importantly, our intelligence network confirms that the Confederates have instigated a general mobilization, the likes of which has not been seen since The Guild Wars. No, Arcturus, I will not to play with fire and wait to see how badly we get burned. MENGSK: “I see… Well, then I thank you, ambassador, for providing me with engineers to make the necessary repairs to The Hyperion. I’ll not trouble you further.” PASTEUR: “I thought you might choose that path. For your own good, you’re restricted to this building for the time being. I can’t chance having anyone send Confederate Command any… inconvenient footage.” MENGSK: “Oh ho! The plot thickens. I think you’ll find that I make for a very poor pet: I have the habit of biting my owners. Just make sure you clean my cage regularly. PASTEUR: “You are an honoured guest here, not a prisoner. These measures are necessary, and temporary. And you will behave.” MENGSK: Do tell me, ambassador, you who are so wise --what is the difference between a Umojan and a Confederate holding cell?" PASTEUR: Your rage is futile. You cannot discern friend from foe. I was going to send Julia, but I'll leave you to brood. Enjoy your wine."
It's not bad, but it really depends on what you are using this for (for a cinematic it would be too long for example, as ingame dialogue it would not be gripping enough, for a novel it would be ok). I also miss some authority / arrogance in Mengsk lines (I can not possibly imagine Mengsk saying 'Oh ho'). The Pasteur lines are nicely written, keep up the good work. Have you entered the Heavens Devils Twitter Contest by any chance?
This is supposed to be a mission briefing. This is only a 2nd draft; it needs to be further refined, and edited. You're also missing information in order to fully appreciate the impact of this scene: Korhal has been destroyed (as you know), but Mengsk expects The Protectorate's aid against The Confederacy. This mission comes early in the campaign, and establishes Mengsk's isolation. Mengsk is not in a position of power throughout this campaign: he's a fugitive, betrayed by people he trusted, made a pariah by those he considered his allies. Mengsk's arc in this campaign is completed when he reconciles himself to the irony that the person he can trust the most is the one that assassinated his family --Kerrigan. Pasteur's lines are all well fleshed out, though in need of some fine-tuning. I'm glad you liked Pasteur: since he's a Umojan, and they admire the Protoss, I crafted dialogue vaguely remininscent of Protoss characters. As for Mengsk: keep in mind that he is speaking to an ambassador here, and that he's not in a position of power: what CAN he do to Pasteur, after all? But Mengsk should have a little more fire in him, I agree. At the end, once Pateur tells him he's being detained, he turns sarcastic. What did you think of the introduction: Mengsk asking for wine and a nuke? It would work well in a novel, but I'm not sure it's the right way to begin this scene. There are some of Mengsk's lines I think I'll definitely keep: "Sorry? Your excuses are what's sorry" “And when exactly will the deaths of millions of innocents be "well behind us"? A century from now, once this holocaust is merely a grizzly historical anecdote taught in classrooms?" THAT is more like the Mengsk we all know.
It's a long dialogue so it's hard to analyse it all in one read / one reply so I'll try to do bits and pieces. Keep in mind that I am simply trying to give constructive feedback / criticism, I'm not here to flame your work . Also, I am not an experienced writer and may well be wrong in my opinions. Personally I think the 'link', 'gap', 'connection' (I'm struggling to find the right word here) between the bottle of wine and a nuke is a bit distant. Although the idea is good, I would rewrite this the section starting with "PASTEUR: [stares at the bottles'....ending with 'on the Protectorate's menu?' You can keep the same concept of the wine / menu / ordering of a nuke, but rephrase it a bit. Regarding the position of power: Although he is not in one, what I'm missing is a characteric of his personality. You do not need to be in a position of power to be arrogant, Mengsk simply is. You implemented it really well with the "Your excuses are what's sorry" (I also like this part) but it's somewhat missing in the rest of the dialogue. Also the "Thanks for that, Captain Obvi—" seems very out of place. Some general tips / thoughts / advice: - You let Pasteur mention: "You’ll be safe here… Tell me, have you thought of your son that we’ve kept here in hiding his whole short life? He needs a father, not a cenotaph erected to a dead patriot.” It's a good piece of lore, and probably is part of your story to flesh out the life and background of Mengsk, however, it should not be in this dialogue imo. Why? Mengsk does not respond to it, basically you are giving a piece of info which is no further being used. It may be exactly your intention that Mengsk does not respond to this (strenghtening the neglection of his son) but the average player will not be analysing your dialogue when playing the game. He won't be like "Ha I notice Mengsk not responding, the author probably wants to emphasize this point". If you want to keep it, you have to emphazise that Mengsk is not responding, simply igoring the statement is not enough. - For a mission briefing I feel you have overextended yourself a bit, after all it is a long dialogue. Have you thought about how many minutes it will take to let this text pass by, or if you have voice actors, how long they'll be talking? Some passages are also too long, however interesting some players may find lore, the majority will go 'yatta, yatta, ya, get to the point'. They want strong, short dialogues which cut to the chase. I'm not saying your dialogue is bad, on the contrary, it's good, I can imagine that it must have taken a lot of your time. But it simply still needs quite some work to be more fitting for your goals. In its current state, this dialogue would serve better as a cinematic than as a mission briefing. There is also no hint as to what those mission objectives may be, generally the dialogue in a mission briefing (I'm think of SC1 here) gives some hints as to what the player will be doing in the mission. Currently it simply looks as Mengsk will have a headache and needs some sobering up . Lastly, when writing a dialogue I try to think of how the speech would sound in real life. For example I am reading your Mengsk lines, with the voice of Mengsk in my mind. And when I do that, I see some parts which are just not working. Look at me ranting, sorry for this wall of text. I hope I expressed myself in the way I wanted to! Again, it's good work. And again, I really like the lines of Pasteur but they also need some nitty bitty editing. But overal the essence of what you are having him say is great. Edit: typos.
