_________Zach was a boy in Tarsonis born into the Dock family, his father was into some major business in Tarsonis making them live in considerable comfort. He always wanted Zach to continue his work. Zach was always slightly different then other kids, he believed in fair play meaning he never lied or get himself into trouble, always told authority when someone was doing wrong which is why he had very few friends that he saw rarely but one day things changed. _________He was walking to school when suddenly a man pulled him into an alley and put a gun to his head and put a hand over his mouth and slowly walked father into the alley Zach saw out of the corner of his eye he was walking towards a hidden doorway. As they were 3 yards from the door sudden, emotion hit him in a sudden wave he thought about the gun and it exploded in the man's hand. Zach made a run for it as the man clutched his hand in pain; Zach safely made it to his home and slept. _________The next morning he was awaked by his door being opened, 3 men walked in 2 held Zach up to the third after a while he said to the others "we've got one" they pulled him from his bed and stuck a syringe into his arm then he knew no more. Suddenly he woke up in a bed he in a plain garret room with a door in front of him lit by a single light on the middle of the ceiling. He just sat there with nothing to do. An hour passed before the door opened a little and a platter with food on it was placed inside. the door was then closed he went over to it and saw that it only contained bread, water and a bowl of soup which he ate hungrily after 2 more hours of waiting the light went off so he found his bed and slept. _________He awoke as the light lit up, the door opened and a man stood in the doorway and said "get up recruit its time to do some work" he said Zach thought he must be in a working bin he got up and walked out of the door into a hallway. Other doors opened on either side of him then everyone started walking towards the door on the end of the hallway he went along with the other people he was lead into a room by someone that he was to stay in this room. He was confused he waited a few minuets suddenly he was struck in the head by a ball from his left he turned and barely misted another ball he saw that a machine was constantly shooting balls There was a red chip in the middle of the machine, then a voice said "destroy the red chip to stop the balls." _________He was wondering if these people were crazy but he would have to get rid of it to stop the balls. He slowly made his way towards the chip and tried to smash it but his hand bounced of he continued to try to hit it but his hands just kept bouncing off there was no way to stop it. Balls were constantly hitting him as he tried to smash it. Knowing it was useless to continue hitting. After this, he got onto the ground to try to miss the balls but they came from all directions from the wall. He put his hands into the holes that shot them but they did not shoot when he had his hands on front of it and was pushed back before he could hold them on for 15 seconds. _________He could not find a way to stop them so he got angry and started pounding on the force field protecting the chip after awhile the chip blew up after that the holes that shot out balls stopped shooting balls the door opened and he was lead out and into another room. where he a tutor made him fight a machine he fought the machine awhile before it broke down he was then lead into a shoot range where he was trained in shooting with various weapons after five or so different courses after we was thoroughly tired. He was then lead into his room where he ate some food then was lead out again to do more training. After four years, he was memory wiped and died later on a mission however his parents were told on the day he was taken, that he was to go to special school and later told that he had died in an accident. Post how you think of it and I will take it into note and see if I can improve it. Ran it through spell check it should have better grammer. Also: this story is 788 words long
Well to be honest, the major flaw with this story is its awkward flow due to your less-than-stellar grasp of the English language. For example: "He was walking to school when suddenly a man pulled him into an alley and put a gun to his head and told him to his head and slowly walked father into the alley Zach saw out of the corner of his eye he was walking towards a hidden doorway." That's one doozy of a run-on sentence. Though you probably meant for this to be two separate sentences and just forgot the period. Another thing is punctuation. There are many instances when you could've used commas to separate different part sections on your writing. The lack of commas, and punctuation in general, contributes to the awkward flow. Another thing that was just bugging me a little bit was the incorrect past tenses of some words. At one point you wrote "holded" which should have been "held." Then at another time you wrote "sticked" which should have been "stuck." Other than that there were numerous spelling errors, but a dictionary, or SpellCheck, would fix that easily. and one last thing. Spell out your numbers unless they're large.
hayden as you brother i am really disaponted i expected better from you i know your only twelve. but for your sake i do have propblems with run-on's. i would sugest putting it in word proseser then fix it up then copy and paste it to the forum
Well to get down to it there are a few major problems and a few minor problems. All of them are what beginners writers half to fight through. We all start at the bottom of the food chain, so, I will be constructive with it. Although my recommendations will be rather lengthy. Here they are: 1. As some have said you do a pretty large run on sentence in a few spots here. Since your young this is able to be neglected to a degree since your grasp of the English Language is far from complete. I will say that you try and cut the sentence into smaller bits. I'll provide an example for you. Your Sentence 'He was walking to school when suddenly a man pulled him into an alley and put a gun to his head and put a hand over his mouth and slowly walked father into the alley Zach saw out of the corner of his eye he was walking towards a hidden doorway. My Paragraph He was walking to school. Suddenly a man pulled him into an alley and put a gun to his head. His hand slid over his mouth and slowly they walked back into the alley. Out of the corner of his eye Zach saw he was heading towards a doorway hidden in the alley. With your sentence the reader has two problems occur. One they run out of breath when reading the sentence. The second is that they are info dumped. To fix this I reduced your sentence into a paragraph filled with smaller sentences that tell the same information. With mine it gives the reader time to pause and think if they want to at certain points. Mine also removed most of your and's. I think you can see the difference in how it reads. It just takes experience to understand when to end a sentence, when to make it longer and when to make it shorter. You're young so this is normal that the sentences are long. I recommend you read every day to pick up on the small pieces of language that are hidden on the pages. It won't be long before this type of writing is easy for you. 2. My second is that you want to avoid words like doozy. They are a bit open ended and people can't really put there head around a vague idea. If you know the word you want to use then use it, but make sure you are clear. That way people understand exactly what you want to say. With your vocabulary you should be starting to get bigger words since your twelve. I recommend experimenting with them and seeing how they fit. 3. My final one since your young is to read the story out loud to yourself. That way you can see how it sounds in peoples head. If it doesn't sound right when you say it out loud then something isn't working there. Try swapping out words to see how it sounds. Again I can't emphasize enough how this type of process is a good deal experince. Keep trying at it and you will soon know what works and what doesn't. Overall the story is good for your age. You have come with an understanding of how to translate an idea to words. Thats good. What you need to start doing now if you really want to improve is read. I mean read a lot. Get a feeling for how words fit together in other books. Aside from that you just need to improve upon the basics of the craft. Good luck! Hope to see more of your writing.
